Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town

I love it when i check the key search words people use to get the Logophile blog. It’s always an eye opener. My favourite this week has got to be ” felching lesbian”. Can’t say it’s ever crossed my mind, which may surprise you if you know me very well, but it’s true. Anyhow here is a delightful tale from the UK about the increase in Felching Crimes.
Log on Logophiles!
Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town
By Arthur Teacake.

The quiet Seaside town of Frinton-on-Sea in Essex, England, was rocked to its foundations yesterday by the hideous sight of a ‘drive-by Felching’

Many of the town’s elderly residents were being treated for shock at a nearby hospital last night, as Police try to piece together exactly what happened in the town yesterday afternoon.

A main witness at the scene of the incident was Lady Chlamydia Tenalady, an 86 year old resident of the town “I was casually strolling down Connaught avenue yesterday afternoon when a couple in a car suddenly stopped in front of me. A man shot out of the car and jumped on top of an elderly lady, sadly the rest is just a blur as I was still in shock from witnessing a bare chested man moments earlier. I found the whole ordeal perfectly ghastly”

The elderly woman who suffered the sickening attack, who has been named as Lana Nibbats (89) was treated at the scene for a severely engorged anus and taken to a nearby hospital, where she is being treated for shock and severe blood loss.

Another witness, 56 year old Dick Mirkin from London who was holidaying in the quaint town spoke yesterday of his shock and horror of what he and his family witnessed. “The wife and me six kids was walking around trying to find a pub when all of a sudden like, a bloke jumped out of a moving car that a woman was driving and pounced on top of this poor old dear, he did the dirty deed and ran off. I will never forget the screams of pain from the woman or the mess all over the pavement; she was just lying there with a drinking straw sticking out of her arse with cock snot dribbling out the top. The whole bloody thing was disgusting, a lot of the old farts who were around at the time was fainting and throwing up. My wife and kids will probably need counselling after this.”

This is not the first time controversy has hit the town, famous for it’s wealthy elderly residents and one pub. As local resident, Major Henry Snuffington-Smith (retd) commented: “About ten years ago a local businessman had the audacity to open a fish & chip shop in the town to the shock and dismay of many residents of the town who were afraid that such a facility would attract riff-raff, gypsies and young miscreants on motorcycles. I’m appalled that an atrocity such as this has happened in this delightful town. This Country is going to the dogs I tell you”

The local Police force has admitted that they are completely baffled by the whole incident, Inspector Terry Knob from Essex Police said yesterday that he had never before heard of such a crime, and admitted that the perpetrators of the offence had escaped the clutches of the law. “I haven’t a clue what felching is, but I just hope such an atrocity of this type never happens again,” he said.

He later tried to calm residents fears of a further attack with a brief statement.” I can assure all residents of Frinton that these felching attacks are extremely rare. I have been reliably informed that the average person has more chance of being fucked by a donkey than ever have anything like this happen to them”

NEWS UPDATE By Arthur Teacake
It seems that Felching crimes are now a major problem in this country, as this harrowing story from a TNSOTW reader shows.

I have been affected by the events you described in your article “Drive-by felching shocks residents of small town”, I don’t wish you to know my real identity, so as far as you are concerned my name is Grace. actually that’s a bit too obvious, no just call me G *******. At a party in a familiar friendly atmosphere, a close friend of mine started handing out straws, I didn’t know what it was all about so took mine willingly as everyone else was taking them. little did I know of the horrors that were to unfold later that night. It took a trip to the doctor’s and three hours of minor surgery to remove the straw from my cheeks that were clenched in shock. Felching is far more widespread than the latest government figures show, it needs to be brought into the general public eye, not only to prevent misunderstandings such as mine, but to remove the social stigma attached.

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