If i had a monkey

If only more people fully appreciated just how useful we monkey folk are the world would be an infinitely better place.
(sourced from: http://www.27bslash6.com/monkey.html)

Hairdressing Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach him how to do my hair – using the appropriate amount of product. I would then set the alarm for him to get up half an hour before I do and do my hair while I am still asleep. This would either give me more time in the morning or allow me to spend more time sleeping. I would just waste the extra half hour anyway so probably better to sleep but as I usually don’t rock up to work till ten thirty or so, I could try leaving earlier. This would give me more time to write about what I would do if I had a monkey.

Surveilance Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to track down people who annoy me by using their profile photo and google maps. Using earpieces to communicate, I would have my monkey conceal himself behind the person typing on facesook® and when that person wrote something stupid I would have my monkey run up and slap them on the back of the head really hard then make a quick escape. Having several monkeys would be more convenient but I don’t have time to train several monkeys, what with having to do my own hair in the mornings.

Web Monkey

If I had a monkey, I would teach it to download porn for me. This way I could spend my time watching it instead of looking for it. I estimate this would save me one hundred and thirty hours a week. I would obviously require a monkey with similar tastes to mine but how hard can it be to find a monkey with a penchant for pregnant german women in latex?


2 thoughts on “If i had a monkey

  1. unfortunately I only know the beer monkey, who visits me in the night, throws my clothes all round the room, messes up my hair, takes the money from my wallet, bangs my head against the wall, shits in my mouth and then leaves before I wake up.

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